


I See You

by chaekmate (usernamewhatamidoing)



Series: I See You [1]
Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-11-08 18:57:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11087883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usernamewhatamidoing/pseuds/chaekmate
Summary: She wasn't sure what it was about Chaeyoung that made her feel so much- maybe it was her smile, maybe it was her almost child like charm. Either way, she was intrigued.





	1. The Strange Customer

**Author's Note:**

> Or the AU where Mina works at a club and just wants to get her life together. (Or the xx inspired song fic). 
> 
> Another AU story, [TW] will contain material that may be sensitive to some readers (abuse, sexual themes, etc). As with all my other stories, I am in no way an expert on any of the professions I portray; if you have questions, comments or concerns, please don't hesitate to let me know!

_"...My name on your lips, your air in lungs, drowned in oxygen, now you’ve set the scene, high on intimacy, drawing me above…I just want it all (just your shadow, just your voice), I just want it all (and my soul), in my head, in my veins, in the way you give and take, on my body, on my brain..." The xx: Lips_  

//     

As Mina watched the sun begin to set, she let out a heavy sigh and hugged her knees closer to her chest, only focusing back on reality when she felt something being draped over her shoulders. 

“You know it’s only February right? You could catch a cold wearing that skimpy outfit out here.” The other spoke as they crouched down beside her.

“You know you could get cancer from sucking on those things right?” Mina retorted, scoffing at the bartender.

“Touché.” Jeongyeon chuckled, taking another drag before blowing it in Mina’s direction making her cringe at the smell. “We open in five. Nayeon’s asking for you.”

Pursing her lips, Mina glanced at Jeongyeon before   quickly pulling the cigarette from Jeongyeon’s lips and promptly snuffing it under her heel. “Thanks for the jacket,” she said, leisurely walking towards the grey building. 

“No problem,” the latter muttered as they stared dejectedly at the smoldering cylinder on the cement. 

//

Pushing inside, Mina was immediately grabbed and dragged into the back. 

“There you are. I need you to get ready, we're short on staff tonight.” 

Mina nodded in understanding and begin to dress for work, watching silently as the other girls shuffled in and out, all preparing for the long night ahead of them. 

“We're live in six!” Nayeon called as she tacked the schedule sheet the wall. 

Squeezing her way to the front, Mina scanned the sheet to find her name and assignment, only to groan at what she saw. 

Ten to three were peak hours for them, and getting assigned to the back room at those times was the absolute worst.

"Looks like it's just you and I tonight." Momo said, sliding up next to her. 

"Only you and I?"

"Tzuyu is up front tonight." 

Fantastic.

Sauntering away from the other, Mina made her way to the dimly lit hallway on the opposite side of the club, nodding silently to the large bouncer near the entrance before fishing a key out of her pocket to slip into the first room on the left.

Inside the bed was covered with oversized sheets and a solitary lightbulb flickered in an ominous manner. 

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she sighed and begin the count down the minutes until her shift ended, humming along to the bass heavy song that poured through the walls of the room.

It was time to work.

//

In the midst of her daydreaming a commotion could be heard on the other side of the door, alerting her to right herself in anticipation.

The door swung open and a figure was led inside; a trailing voice from outside telling her the client had paid for an hour of her time.

Looking at the figure from her spot on the bed, she was surprised. 

Not by the fact that she was a woman, but by the girls physique and general aesthetic; she barely looked legal to Mina.

In an oversized sweatshirt, jeans and a pair of beat up sneaker, she definitely wasn't her usual customer.

"Hey, why don't you come sit by me?" She tried gently, gracefully making her way towards the girl.

"Uh? Oh, um I-actually-" The figure stuttered out, slowly backing away from her advances, face red and nervous.

"It's alright, I won't bite." She smiled.   
"Are you nervous?" 

"Um, no. No, no. Ok. Just. Maybe a little. I don't- I don't usually do this." 

Reaching up, Mina trailed a hand across over the girls shoulder. "I can tell, what's your name?" 

"Ch-Chaeyoung." 

"Well, Chaeyoung, want to come sit with me over there? I assume they told you the rules?”

Coaxing both of them towards the bed, Mina went to gently push the girl- Chaeyoung- to sit before swinging a leg over her hips and straddled her. 

"Um-oh my god. Ok." Chaeyoung burned red and looked anywhere but at the scantily clad figure in her lap. "I- it's- my birthday. Today is my, um, birthday." 

"Mm, really? Happy birthday," She said, gently shifting to press herself closer, "is that why you're here? To celebrate?" 

"Eh, um. My friends made me come actually. I don't- clubs really aren't my, my thing." 

Peering down at her client through the hazy light, she leaned in close enough to smell the alcohol on their lips. "So you've said. Do you know what you're here for?" 

"Y-yeah." 

"And what do you want." 

"What?" 

Raising an eyebrow she smiled. This girl was obviously out of her depth; oozing with an innocence that was so unfamiliar to her.

"Do you, want me to dance for you?" She asked, looking to the pole situated near the corner of the room, before using her core to grind down into Chaeyoung's lap. "Or, do you want something a little more personal?" 

"I-I don't know."

Continuing her movements, Mina leaned forward to brush her lips agains the shell of her ear and wrap her arms around the others neck. "It's up to you, you paid for an hour. Whatever you want." 

Their faces were close, breaths heavy- faces red from the intimacy. 

"You-you're really pretty." Chaeyoung spoke, finally looking into her eyes as she continuously fumbled the position of her hands on the bed. 

"So I've been told." Mina smirked, threading her hand through short locks.

"What- um, your name? What's your name." 

"You can call me whatever you like."

"Oh. Um-"

"Mm? What was that?"

"Would you mind- um, could you please stop moving?" Chaeyoung panted out, clearly trying her hardest to concentrate on forming words.

"Sure, ok." She said slightly surprised. "Did you decide what you want?" 

"Um- it might be a bit. Weird."

"Oh? What is it." 

It certainly wasn't the first time she'd heard that. Maybe this Chaeyoung wasn't as innocent as she had though.

"I- do you mind if we just. Sit here?" 

Or maybe she was.

"Eh? But, you paid for an hour." 

This certainly wasn't how she envisioned her night going. 

"D-don't get me wrong! It's not you- I just- I don't. I'm not really sure-" Closing her eyes tightly, Chaeyoung went mum and scooted to the far end of the mattress.

Observing her from her own spot, Mina sighed. "I apologize if I came off a bit- strong. Usually customers enjoy that."

"I should be apologizing to you- I, you're just trying to do your job."

"Yeah." 

An awkward silence fell over the room before Chaeyoung spoke again, sounding the most sober she had all night. "Do you- do you get paid the full hour if I don't stay?"

"Usually not." She replied, surprised yet again by the girl. 

"Oh. Well then I'll just wait here then. If you don't mind." 

Laying down, she laughed and shook her head in disbelief. "Whatever you want." 

She could safely say she had never met anyone like Chaeyoung before. 

Especially not in her line of work. 

Not like she was complaining or anything; it was as refreshing as it was confusing. 

Splaying out on the bed and stretching, she grabbed a pillow and to cover herself as much as possible and turned away from the other body on the bed. 

 _Definitely,_ not how she saw her night going. 


	2. You, Me, Them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mina's POV; things in italics are events in the past (rated M and [TW] but only mild content)

// 

_"...My young heart chose to believe, we were destined, young hearts, all need love, call it a lesson, the stars and the charts and the cards make sense, only when we want them to, when I lie awake staring into space, I see a different view…Now you’ve found a new star to orbit, it could be love, I think you’re too soon to call us old, when and where did we go cold, I thought I had you on hold…" The xx: On Hold_

//

“Be careful, we want to keep the water in the tub remember?” She laughed while bringing the cup down to the water again.

"You usually aren't home for bath time." Jihyo commented from her place near the door frame.

"Yeah. Um, short shift tonight." Mina replied while squeezing some shampoo into her palm and running it through wet hair.

"Momma will you read me a story tonight?"

"Of course sweetie."

//

_Senior year of high school and waiting tables was the way she passed the time._

_It was just a part time thing; a job for the nights and weekends when she wasn’t needed at home to keep the peace between her parents._

_It wasn’t supposed to be something permanent- she wasn’t supposed to meet them there._

_But an extra shift on a Friday night and a chance thunderstorm was what brought them together._

_Their face was sweet enough for her to notice, and their speech kind enough to make her remember them._

_It was refreshing, really._

_She had never had someone pay so much attention to her; never had someone try to figure her out as much as they had._

_(She wanted to know what it felt like to be loved)._

//

“When did bedtime begin at midnight?” Mina asked, softly closing the door behind her.

Jihyo smiled sheepishly at her from the couch. “She always waits for you, you know that right?”

“Yeah?”

“Usually she stays up until she falls asleep.”

Setting herself next to the other woman on the couch she sighed. “I’m back earlier tonight.”

“I can see that. I wasn’t expecting you until this morning.”

“Wasn’t feeling well, so I had Momo cover for me.”

Jihyo eyed her friend but kept quiet. “Well, if you’re in for the night, I’m gonna head home.”

“Ah, yeah. Thanks again for watching her.”

“No problem, you know I love that kid.”

“See you tomorrow.” She called, watching Jihyo make her way out.

“See you!”

A moment passed before the door fully shut and she was alone again.

Glancing at her phone she had three missed messages from a confused Nayeon and one from a worried Momo.

She decided to ignore them for now.

It wasn’t that she was actually unwell, but after Chaeyoung left, she was just unsettled.

No one had ever come in and simply brushed her off- but more than that, she had never met anyone so, strange.

And maybe strange wasn’t the right word to describe Chaeyoung, but she truly was left baffled by their behavior.

She couldn’t remember the last time she herself would have been so reluctant and shy.

(She couldn’t remember the last time she would have been that innocent).

//

_In most aspects she was her mother’s child._

_Quiet and meek, she blended into the background at school and at home._

_She was never one to voice her opinion, and was really a follower rather than a leader._

_Her father on the other hand was just the opposite._

_Loud and obstinate, he was rough around the edges and unapologetic in his everyday life._

_And when combined, they were the Myouis that lived in apartment 14C on the eighth floor._

_For herself, she never felt the need to become more extroverted, in fact she rather enjoyed being a wallflower._

_In that way she was able to observe and study those around her._

_She understood what it was that people looked for- she understood their greedy nature, understood the animal instinct that many possessed._

_She saw it at home when her father would lose his temper and become belligerent._

_(It was in those nights when she would completely become one with the walls)._

//

_If she were to compare her first love to anything, it would be a butterfly, because it was a new and fragile concept to her._

_(And short lived, she would find out later)._

_In the beginning, they started as friends._

_She found out they went to the same school, but were in different classes, which explained why she had never met them before._

_And she admired them, really. They were everything she wasn't._

_Outspoken, bubbly, and friendly- they were rather popular in their social circle._

_So when she started a relationship  with them, the attention that came with it was almost overwhelming._

_"Doesn't it bother you at all?"_

_"What?"_

_"Everyone staring at us?"_

_"Oh, it's fine. You're probably just imagining things."_

//

_She of all people should have noticed the signs- maybe it was because she was blinded by love, or maybe she voluntarily blocked it out._

_Either way, she should have know._

_It started off small, a sharp response to the little things which led to more arguments- the exchange of harsher language._

_Sometimes they held her hand a little bit too tightly, other times they would hit her in a "joking" manner._

_It was hard for her to imagine this was the same person she met all those months ago with the sweet smile._

_(Maybe she was just imagining things)._

//

The loud buzzing of her alarm woke her as she blinked up at the spotted ceiling above the couch.

Stretching, she yawned and saw that the time was passed when she was supposed to get up, spurring her into action.

"Seoyeon," she whispered, creeping into the small bedroom. "Seoyeon it's time to get up."

Gently tousling dark hair, Mina watched as her daughter sleepily rubbed at her eyes.

"Morning?" Seoyeon asked squinting at the brightness of the morning.

"Yeah, time to get ready for school. Do you think you can get dressed by yourself?"

Seeing the girl nod, she smiled. "Ok, I'll be back to check but I've gotta get dressed too."

//

_They were married soon after graduating in a secret ceremony held at dusk._

_She always wondered what the rush was, but they gave her a ring and a romantic proposal so she let herself be swept up in her youth._

//

Hurrying to pack her bag and a small brown bag lunch, she pulled her hair up and set everything by the door.

"Seoyeon! Are you almost finished?" She called, checking the time once again.

Catching movement from the corner of her eye she turned and smiled at the little girl who had- for the most part- successfully dressed herself.

"All done?"

"Yup!" The little girl exclaimed proudly. "I even brushed my teeth by myself."

Laughing gently she nodded in approval. "Good job. Why don't we get your hair settled and then we'll head out."

 _And maybe find some matching socks_ , she thought fondly sitting down to begin combing the girls hair.

Once they decided on simple pigtails, she pushed them both out the door and into the busy streets of the city.

(She chose to ignore the thick envelope sticking out of her mailbox that morning).

"Come on, we'll eat on the bus."

It was their routine.

Every morning, Mina would wake up with Seoyeon, drop her off at the kindergarten, go to morning classes, work two to six at the bookstore, pick Seoyeon up and take back home to spend the night with Jihyo, and then finally go in for her shift at the club.

And most of time, when she wasn't dying of exhaustion, she considered herself lucky.

At least, considering how they could have been.

//

"Hey you feeling alright?" Momo asked that night as she entered from the back.

"Yeah, sorry about giving you such short notice last night. I think it was just a- 24 hour bug or something."

"Ok. Well I'm glad your better."

"Thanks."

Changing, she checked the job board to find that she was in the same place as last night.

"Tzuyu is up front again tonight. I think Nayeon is trying to get her to leave." Momo spoke coming up behind her.

"Makes sense, she is the youngest one here." Mina shrugged, still disappointed by her station for the night.

"We're all kinda young aren't we?" Momo wondered while gnawing her way through a bag of chips which made her laugh.

"Yeah, but not young enough to be saved."

"True."

"Wanna share those with me?"

"Nope." Momo responded, but stretched her arm out anyway to open the bag to her.

"Thanks."

//

Lying in the bed, she scrubbed her skin with the sheets from the last customer she had.

A little too much alcohol and sometimes they got a bit too physical with her.

(Of course she wouldn't deny taking a little extra under the table for such advances).

The heavy footsteps of the bouncer signaled another customer on their way and she genuinely hoped it wasn't someone too awful.

Not bothering to look up as the door opened, she heard her services were needed for one hour and that was all before it was closed again.

Finally turning her head, she was definitely surprised at who she saw.

"Chaeyoung?"


	3. A Preposition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I apologize for taking so long with this chapter, I thought it would be better to simply write this chapter to clear some things up with the them/they situation? (They/them simply refers to Mina's previous partner- I wanted to keep them as an ambiguous character because they really aren't needed, but I hope it didn't just confuse the heck out of you guys). Again, sorry for the dely, but double chapter update to make up for it?

//

_"...If I’m beating every hand away (no one stays), I’ve got so caution, and now I choke on every move I make, let one play (to be that careless)…With every kiss from a friend, with everything I pretend not to feel, am I too high am I too proud is the music too loud (for me to hear)…You’ve been staying out late, trying your best to escape, I hope you find what you’re looking for, let a moment take place, without running away, I hope you silence the noise…” The xx: A Violent Noise_

//

“Chaeyoung?”

“H-hey.” 

Staring at the small girl by the door, she was left feeling the same confusion she had felt the night before. 

“Did your friends bring you again tonight? Mina asked, pushing herself to the edge of the bed. 

“No. Not tonight.” 

“Did you have anything to drink?”

“No.”

“Do you want anything to drink?”

“No. Thank you.” 

She waited for a moment before letting out a sigh. “Why are you here then Chaeyoung.” 

“I guess- I guess I’m not entirely sure. I just know that I had to see you again.”

“Chaeyoung, you do know what I do right? What my job is.” Mina spoke, eyeing the blushing figure carefully. “My job, is to provide people an escape. A temporary fantasy.” 

“Right. No, of course I understand that, I just- I don’t know. I’ve never- done this with anyone.” 

“Done what Chaeyoung.” She let out in exasperation. “What did you come to me for.”

“I- want you to teach me.”

“Teach you?”

“I want you to teach me how to- how pleasure someone. How to be close to someone.” 

//

_"This is serious." Jihyo said with a frown as she smoothed over the cut on her cheek._

_"It's just a scratch, I'm fine." She calmly let out, flinching away._

_"Mina," her friend sighed, "why are you doing this to yourself?”_

_“It’s not a problem. It was just- just an accident. They were drunk, and got a little clumsy. I’m just as much at fault for not watching what I was doing.”_

_“So it’s ok for them to hit you? Mina this is-“_

_“I know what it is.” She bit out harshly, letting the chair scrape against the wood of the floor hard enough to leave marks. “And you know I can't do anything about it. It’s just how it’ll have to be.”_

_“I can help you though, I want to,” Jihyo pleaded, “please.”_

_“I’m close, I know I am Jihyo. Trust me, I only have another couple years to go and then I’ll be through.”_

_“You have debt though. A lot of it. You and I both know they can’t support you that much- Mina they barely give you enough for food!”_

_“I’m working enough to get by, and none of my checks have bounced yet.”_

_“And Seoyeon?”_

_“I’ll handle it, ok. Just- give me some more time.”_

//

The question caught her off guard, and so she stared at the shrinking figure on her bed with questioning eyes. “I’m not- I really don’t provide those kind of, services. Sex ed really isn’t my strong suit.” 

“Oh, well, I’m sorry I just- we don’t have to get, too in depth.“ 

“Those kind of things aren’t exactly what you come to a, dancer for. Your girlfriend or boyfriend yeah, maybe even a close friend?”

_Honestly a random stranger off the street was probably better than her._

“Yeah, I know that’s probably true.” Chaeyoung spoke, grinding the tip of her shoe into the ground. “But, would you be willing to try, just once? And then, if it doesn’t work out I swear I won’t bother you again.” 

Mina sighed, but smirked all the same. “I suppose that would depend on how much time you buy, I’m not cheap you know.” 

“I know- I can.” 

“And there would be rules- special conditions. Especially if we met here.” 

“Ok, yeah, of course. Just name them, and I’ll follow.” 

It wouldn’t be the first time she was propositioned, but this certainly would be the most- creative- way someone went about it. 

It’s not like Chaeyoung posed it as a simple question. 

(It’s not like she simply asked her to sleep with her.)

No, she asked her an even bigger task- to teach her how to be intimate, which, how that was something teachable she had yet to figure out. 

The way she saw it, intimacy was a farce. Something made up by overzealous hollywood films and raunchy romance novels to entice the public into thinking sex was anything but that- sex. 

A necessary act to repopulate and a stimulating experience that people would literally pay, to be a part of.

(And yeah, maybe she was a little jaded, but what else was she supposed to do?). 

“How much do you have?” Mina asked, still deciding whether or not to accept. 

“Is, two thousand enough? I can always give you more.."

Looking at Chaeyoung with wide eyes, she reeled from the amount. 

When she stared in front of her, she saw a girl. 

An innocent, shy girl, who probably couldn’t be much older than herself, offering her enough money to pay her rent through the next four months.

Inside, she was conflicted. She could reject Chaeyoung, for the sake of morality and general decency. She could avoid destroying such innocence. Or, she could take the money and run. 

(Technically, she never asked Mina to sleep with her, maybe a thorough lap dance and some general tips would be enough?).

“Alright, you’ve got a deal. Tomorrow night, after my shift, meet me by the back and we’ll go to your place? If we stay here, I’ll have to give part of the money to the club- oh, and I’m assuming you have a place of your own?” 

“I- I have an apartment. So, does that mean you’ll do it then?” 

“Yeah. I’ll do it.”

_How bad could it be? It can’t be too complicated._

"May I- get your name this time?"

"You can call me Mina."

// 

Stepping inside, Mina quietly hung her jacket on the hook and slipped her shoes off.

"Is she asleep?" She whispered, peering down at the small bundle in Jihyo's lap. 

"Yeah. Just fell asleep. I can put her down, why don't you wash up." 

Silently thanking her friend, she proceeded to quickly wash her face and threw on some old sleeping clothes.

"You working again tomorrow night?" Jihyo asked after she walked back out and into the kitchen area. 

"Um, yeah. Also, I'm sorry to ask this but will you sleep here tomorrow? I have- to work overnight." 

"Oh? Well. Alright, just, please be safe. Use protection." Jihyo raised her eyebrows and took a drink of her tea. 

"Ew, god I know. And, it isn't a guy, it's a girl." 

"Still, can't be too careful. On another note, I saw that you never took that out of your mailbox." 

Seeing Jihyo's eyes, Mina followed her line of sight to the rather large envelope that sat on the counter marked in dark red lettering, _return to sender_. 

"Mm, was hoping the mailman would just take the hint already and send it through again." 

"They're never going to sign them you know. You need to press charges and have the police handle this matter." 

To this Mina scoffed and walked back to the couch. "The police could barely grant me a restraining order."

"I know, but, just think about it ok. There's still people out there who actually care you know." Jihyo frowned but understood her position. 

//

 _Freaking time change_ , Mina cursed in her head as she tightly gripped Seoyeon's hand. 

Of course, she didn't bother to look at her calendar and of course, she didn't set her clock ahead like she was supposed to- making her late to drop Seoyeon off at school and subsequently making her miss her morning classes. 

Running as best she could through the crosswalk, Mina spared a glance at her watch and groaned. 

It would make her too late to take Seoyeon to the other end of town for school, and she had already missed a class and a half. 

Sensing the day was already too far gone, she slowed her pace and took a deep breath. 

"Are you okay momma?" Seoyeon quietly asked, tightly holding her hand as they walked. 

"Eh? Yeah, I'm ok. But, listen, how does it sound coming with me all day today?"

"Really! Ok!" 

Smiling at the girls enthusiasm, Mina leisurely walked the two of them toward her university.

"Here, this is the square, isn't pretty?" She asked, setting all their bags down onto a bench.

"Uh-huh, momma, can I go play over there?" Seoyeon pointed towards the fountain in the center. 

"Sure, just do me a favor and stick close where-"

Before she could finish, a figure caught her eye, making her freeze. 

There, no more than ten feet away from her stood Chaeyoung, looking quite frazzled with messy hair and a coffee cup clutched close to her chest. 

"Mina?" Chaeyoung called, walking towards her. 

"Momma?" 

"Uh, why don't we go inside. I'll bring you back another day ok?" 

Disregarding the little girl's slight protests, she gathered their belongings and quickly ushered her away from the fountain; she completely ignored the burning eyes from her client across the square. 


	4. The Art of Intimacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just trash ahead, I apologize in advance. (Also chapter is from Chaeyoung's POV)

// 

_"...Fiction, when we’re not together, mistaken for a vision, something of my own creation, I wake up alone, with only daylight between us, last night the world was beneath us, tonight comes dear love, were we torn apart by the break of day, you’re more than I can believe (whatever come my way)…Come real love (why do I refuse you), ‘cause if my fear’s right, I risk to lose you, and if I just might wake up alone, bring on the night…Any certainties (how am I to tell), I know your face too well (still I wake up alone)…” The xx: Fiction_

// 

Even though it was her birthday, the last thing she wanted to do was go out and celebrate. 

She honestly was content with staying home and binging something on tv with a pizza, but, like the good sport she was she allowed her friends to drag her out and celebrate, "the right way". 

And of course, they took her to a club, and of course, they insisted she try every drink on the face of the planet, and, _of course_ , Dahyun insisted she pay for a private dance for her. 

Of course.

So she was led through a dim hallway, to an even dimmer room that smelled like mothballs by a burly man in a suit. 

In another context, she would say that she was probably going to get murdered. In this context, she would still say she was probably going to get murdered.

But instead of a greasy old man wielding a gun or a deranged psychopath, she was met with a beautiful young woman lounging on a bed in a very, revealing, outfit.

To say she was awestruck was an understatement- but, looking back on it, she thought anyone would be speechless too if a literal goddess was draped over their lap and grinding into them. 

It was a bit too much for Chaeyoung because as soon as it started she politely asked the dancer to remove herself from her lap and promptly let nothing intelligible come out of her mouth. 

She probably looked like an idiot. 

(She kind of felt like one too afterwards).

//

It really didn't hit her until she was thirty minutes into a math test that she failed to study for the night before that she had yet to stop thinking about the dancer from the club. 

And not in the weird, fetishized way she guessed other people thought about her. But, probably in an even weirder sense because it wasn't sexualized at all.

She thought about what they would be like outside of work, what they would be like as a partner- thought about them in a disgustingly domestic sense that would put any tv drama to shame.

Shuddering at such thoughts, she brushed them off as infatuation and nothing more- trying her hardest to focus on linear regressions and bell curves.

//

What made her come back wasn't alcohol or even her friends, but rather, a slew of sleepless nights and a dangerous mix of caffeine and desperateness.

Was it impulsive of her? Most definitely.

But she wouldn't expect anything less from herself at this point. 

Walking into the room, she found the woman in the same outfit the night she had come for her birthday, except this time, she was also underneath the sheets of a messy bed. 

When she asked her request, she could see the confusion flit across the woman's- Mina's, she now knew- face. 

(She was also slightly confused by herself as she hadn't really thought her plan through). 

//

The next time they met wouldn't be for their first, "session". But rather in a brief encounter across the quad of Chaeyoung's campus. 

Even more shocking that the idea that Mina was a student just like herself was that she had a child. 

(She tried not to think too hard on it). 

//

The first time Mina came over to her apartment, she had already done herself the favor of getting to a good level of tipsy. 

The latter simply smiled at her and pushed her towards the bedroom. 

"Are you drunk?" Mina had asked, toying with the hem of her jacket. 

"No. Just, a little, tipsy." 

"Alright then, where do you want to start?" 

To this she had shrugged and let Mina take the lead. 

Like the night at the bar, she was sat down and straddled while the other moved on top of her whispered in her ear. 

This time she didn't have the heart to stop Mina. 

(That was the night she learned you didn't need to be naked to be intimate). 

// 

The next time Mina came, she came with an agenda- or at least, a goal. 

"I figured if this was going to be- a thing. Like, a continuing thing, we should at least set up some stepping stones." The dancer spoke after toeing off her shoes. 

"Stepping stones?" Chaeyoung asked, tilting her head in confusion. 

"Yeah, stepping stones. For instance, you've never slept with anyone. Correct?" 

"No, I haven't." 

"Well then, that's a start. Have you ever kissed anyone?" 

Blushing hard, she looked to the side to cough into her sleeve. "Um, n-no. Never." 

Feeling Mina move closer, she looked in her direction again. "Would you like to kiss someone?" 

"S-sure?"

Surging forward, Mina quickly pressed a kiss to her lips. 

The feeling was electrifying, and left her leaning forward to capture the others lips to feel them again. 

They were soft and warm- and she shyly pressed their heads together but kept her hands at her sides, unsure of where to place them. 

Hearing a small giggle from Mina- she pulled back slightly and raised her eyebrows. "Did I- did I do it right?" 

"Mm, don't be so stiff though." 

Feeling herself get pulled back in, her hands were placed encouragingly on Mina's waist as they continued kissing. 

//

She was still rather shy when it came to touching. 

It was awkward for her. She wanted to know how- she just hadn't mastered the "instinctual nature" of it as Mina would say. 

"Have you ever, you know, touched yourself?" 

"Not really? I-I've watched videos though." 

"Really, and how do those make you feel?" 

Swallowing hard, Chaeyoung watched silently as Mina undressed in front of her and laid her body over hers. 

"Were they like this?" Mina whispered, trailing a hand under her t-shirt to feel the warming skin beneath.

"S-some."

"Mm." 

Feeling Mina press herself impossibly closer to her, she was kissed gently while her shirt was lifted and a hand snaked its way downwards. 

"Is this okay?" Mina asked, kissing her way up to nibble on Chaeyoung's ear. 

"Yes," she breathily let out, closing her eyes lightly as she felt nimble fingers touch her for the first time.

(Afterwards she would be staring down in awe at a smirking Mina who had more than just fingers in her). 

//

So they had progressed to a point that she could have sworn was the peak of pleasure. 

Nothing could possibly top Mina _just going for it_ and pleasuring her until her eyes rolled back in her head and she was left a mess on the bed. 

But Mina continued to surprise her with things that probably felt better than they should have. 

"What in world is that?" She asked one night as Mina came carrying a small shopping bag. 

"Uh, just something I thought we could try, do you mind?" 

Shaking her head, Mina smiled and handed the bag to her. 

"Great, why don't you get ready with this and I'll be waiting on the bed for you." 

Nodding wordlessly, she made her way to the bathroom and peered into the bag- only to choke a moment later when she realized what was inside. 

"Uh, Mina?" She called out a moment later. 

"Yeah? Everything ok?" 

"Um, this- is this-" 

"Do you not like it? We don't have to I just thought-"

"No! No, I- I do I just, do you want- me?" 

Peering out from behind the door, Chaeyoung's face was pure red as she shot a questioning look out. 

"Come over here." Mina called softly, stretching a hand to her.

She felt quite silly, and, well, just weird as the toy hung between her legs. But she obeyed and gently sat next to the other woman on the bed. 

Watching silently as Mina took a hold of the toy and pulled slightly, her breath caught and she blushed even redder.

"Is it too tight? The harness?" 

"Uh, n-no." 

"Is this alright? I thought- I don't know- I thought you might enjoy this." Mina spoke while reaching for a small bottle on the side table and rubbing a gel like liquid between her hands. 

"Uh, oh, I-. S-sorry, yes, but, what- what do you want me to- to do?" 

"Just lean back a little and relax for me okay?" 

Chaeyoung's eyes widened, entranced, as Mina climbed over her and slowly sank herself down onto her lap with a loud sigh- coaxing her to hold her hips. 

She had really thought that being with Mina, and Mina only, was an experience; that being touched by Mina was the greatest pleasure she could feel. 

But watching as Mina gently rocked up and down on her lap, clinging to her and moaning into her ear, losing herself in selfish ecstasy at her expense- that was the most gratifying pleasure she had ever felt. 

//

Despite the amount of "sessions" they had, Mina never stayed the night. 

She would always gather and collect her clothes after they were done or time was up- and should would never take her offer to shower at her place. 

"It's cold out tonight. Why don't you take a jacket." She spoke from her place under the covers, watching silently as Mina redressed on the edge of the bed. 

"It's alright, it's not too cold out."

"It's raining, here." Getting up from her spot, Chaeyoung rifled through her wardrobe before procuring a grey sweatshirt. 

Walking over to where Mina stood by the door, she gently slid the garment over the others head and soothed over the wrinkles. 

"There, that's better." Debating in her head, Chaeyoung leaned in to press a small kiss to Mina's cheek before opening the door. "Be safe." 

"A-alright. Thank you." Mina blushed before ducking out into the night.

//

It hadn't been brought up since, but the fact that Mina had a daughter still was a fact tucked into the back of her brain. 

She didn't know what it meant- that Mina was in a relationship? Possibly even married? 

Not that it was her place to judge or even know, she was simply curious. 

Mina was the type to never, under any circumstances, mix work and family. 

(Myoui Mina was a self preserved enigma and would likely stay that way). 

(She should probably consider herself lucky to even know Mina's name). 

And, unknowingly, she must have conveyed as much because one night as she laid breathless next to Mina, the latter spoke up. 

"She isn't mine." 

"Uh?"

"That time at the university. With the little girl. She isn't mine. Not, biologically anyway."

"Uh, oh. Well, then-" 

"It's a long story. How about we talk about something else?" 

//

Instigating these meetings with Mina had, without a doubt, taught her things. 

But even though she learned things, didn't mean she understood them. 

She didn't know what it meant when Mina would gently brush the hair from her forward after a particularly trying session.

She didn't know what it meant when Mina would,later, cuddle with her for a bit before leaving. 

She didn't know what it meant when Mina would kiss her so softly and press against her in the slightest of ways that would make her head spin.

In reality, she was probably overthinking it. 

Of course Mina would be like that, Chaeyoung was paying her to do such things. 

But still, there was something else. 

Something about the way Mina's eyes would bore into her.

(She found that she wasn't content with simply pondering that something; she wanted to _know_ what that feeling was). 


	5. Wrong Place, Wrong Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Quick note, this chapter is back to being in Mina's pov; thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoy :)

_"...I’m in love with it, intoxicated, I’m in rapture, from the inside I can feel that you want to, wake up high on it, feel it suspended, I’m enamored, way up in the sky I can see that you want to…I’ve been a romantic for so long, all I’ve ever heard are love songs…I get chills, heart’s rate multiplies, I’m on a different kind of high, a rush of blood is not enough, I need my feelings set on fire, now I’m deep in it, infatuated, strong attraction, side by side and I know that you want to…” The xx: I Dare You_

//

She should feel guilty. 

At least, that was what she told herself. 

But looking at it now- looking at the tangle of sheets and blissed out expression on Chaeyoung’s face, she really couldn’t bring herself to care. 

(And maybe it was her own twisted mind, but she couldn’t help the surge of pride that swept through her at the sight). 

Swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, she reached down to collect her shirt from the floor. 

“Are you leaving already?” 

“Yeah, I’ve got an early shift tomorrow.” 

Hearing the rustle of blankets from behind her, she slipped into her jeans before locating her shoes near the front door. 

“Be careful.” Chaeyoung spoke as she went to release the deadlock on the door. 

“Of course, see you tomorrow?” 

“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

//

“Long time no see, stranger.” Jeongyeon called to her as she walked in. 

“Hey.” Placing her bag on the counter, she mounted one of the stools and sat down. “Can I get a glass of water?” 

“Oh, nice to see you too Jeongyeon, how have you been?” Jeongyeon spoke sarcastically while still preparing a glass for her. 

“Sorry, how are you?” Mina sighed sheepishly. 

“Fine, working as usual. And you? It seems like you’ve only been coming in every other night, you got another job or something?”

“I’ve just, you know, been busy with Seoyeon and stuff.” 

Jeongyeon eyed her for a moment before smirking. “Oh I see. Got yourself a sugar daddy or something?” 

“What? No, of course not.” Mina blushed, taking a long drink of water. 

“Mm, ok, whatever you say. You know I don’t care, and neither does Nayeon.”

“Thanks for the approval, and, speaking of you and Nayeon, I need a favor.” 

“Oh? And what would that entail.”

“I need you two to come over this Thursday for dinner.”

“Dinner?”

“Yeah, just- Seoyeon’s social worker is coming over, and I need it to look like I’m a sociable human being with friends.”

“Oh, yeah of course. I’ll ask, we’ll probably be able to make it- what time?”

“Six o’clock.”

“Alright, I’ll let you know what Nayeon says later tonight.” 

“Great, thanks so much for this Jeongyeon.”

“Yeah, no problem. I haven’t seen the squirt in a while, it’ll be good for all of us.” 

//

If she had to choose one thing she hated about her job, it would be the physicality of it. 

(Which was funny, considering that at least ninety percent of what her job was included initiating physical contact; but it wasn’t like she actually liked her job either).

Most of the time she found herself turned off by practically everything, and regardless of what she told her customers, she most definitely was _not_ enjoying herself. 

Those patrons who usually had a bit too much to drink and felt a bit too entitled always got to her. She hated how sweaty they often were, how people’s breaths reeked of alcohol- how roughly she was often handled.

But being a prude wasn’t what got her money, so she sucked it up and did what she had to.

(And in one singular instance she found solace in it- or perhaps, in _someone,_ regardless of how badly she wanted to deny that). 

It was disconcerting but ultimately, it felt natural- obvious, almost, that Chaeyoung would be that someone. 

Chaeyoung was, in short, one of the oddest people she had ever met. At first, Mina had thought she was all sweet words and formulated shyness; she had thought for sure that there had to be more to Chaeyoung than just that. 

But there wasn’t. 

Chaeyoung simply was, and continued to be, sweet and soft and unassuming. 

(Naive by her own standards, certainly, but that didn’t mean she appreciated it any less).

She supposed it would have been stupid of her _not_ to like Chaeyoung. What, with her bright smile and gentle nature. And it wasn’t like sleeping with her was that much different from other people she’d slept with- but it was. 

So, so, so different. 

There was never any hurry to what they did, no need to assert dominance over one or the other. 

Chaeyoung would always (almost unconsciously) let her take the lead, and would always ask for her consent before doing anything (sometimes to the point of being redundant, but who was she to complain). 

And it wasn’t just when they were being intimate. In the moments in-between, Chaeyoung would always say the stupidest things to make her laugh, always ask if she was hungry- always offer to call her a cab or to drive her home herself. 

It was almost as if Chaeyoung was the one being paid and Mina wasn’t going to lie, that was a quality that really did it for her. 

(She had never been with someone who cared about her pleasure rather than their own). 

So yes, she would say Chaeyoung was in a league of her own. 

(And yes, she would say she was probably a little too comfortable with their arrangement).

// 

“Is this okay?” Chaeyoung spoke lowly while pulling her closer by the belt loops of her pants. 

“Yeah.” 

Carding a hand through short locks, Mina nodded and leaned in to press a kiss to the others neck. “Do you- mm, what are we doing tonight?” 

“I don’t care, whatever is fine.” Chaeyoung sighed while gently placing both hands on her waist. 

Pulling back, she bit her lip before guiding them to the couch- pushing the other girl down before placing herself into their lap. 

Pressing herself closer, she rested their foreheads together before gently placing a kiss to the corner of Chaeyoung’s mouth. 

“How was your morning?”

“It was good, did you have classes this morning?”

Feeling the body beneath her shift, she let her herself be rolled over as Chaeyoung hovered above her. 

“I did, just a couple lectures. Still okay?”

“Yeah, all good. Can we- is it okay if we keep our clothes on this time?”

“Of course, chilly?” Chaeyoung smiled at her before nuzzling the cool tip of her nose into the side of her face. 

“Something like that,” Mina let out a light chuckled while playfully shoving Chaeyoung’s shoulder. 

Slowly, gentle hands made their way underneath the edge of her sweater, waiting for the go ahead before they traveled further up to rest at her sides. 

With the tilt of a head, she felt lips making their way across her jaw up to that spot right below her ear that made her shiver; a lithe leg settled between her own, giving her purchase to experimentally grind her hips downwards. 

Before they could go any further, a shill ring sounded from by the door, making them both jump at the break of silence. 

“Sorry, I think that’s me.” She sighed, glancing to where her bag sat. 

“It’s alright,” Chaeyoung said, straightening out her sweater for her before leaning back. “You should get it- might be important.” 

Heaving herself up from the couch, she quickly plucked her phone from the outer pocket and answered the call. 

“Yeah?” She answered quietly, making her way into the side kitchen in an attempt for some privacy. 

_“Hey, sorry to bother you, but um, there’s someone here.”_ Jihyo spoke in a hushed and hurried manner making her slightly concerned. 

“What do you mean, someone, who’s there?”

_“I mean, Seoyeon’s social worker dropped in unexpectedly and is waiting for you on the couch.”_

“What! No, no that can’t be.” Her eyes widened in realization. 

This was not good. 

_“I told her you "stepped out" for groceries."_

“Oh my god,” Mina groaned, trying to take calming breaths. “Ok, that’s, that was smart. Just- give me twenty minutes? I’ll be there soon.” 

_“Alright, but, is there anything else I should be doing?”_

“Nope, no, it’s alright, I’ll be right there ok? Thanks, and sorry about this.” 

Hanging up, she gripped the edge of the sink and closed her eyes. 

There was no way she could make it to the store _and_ back to her apartment in twenty minutes- but in the same right, she absolutely could not be late to this meeting. 

“Everything alright in here?” Chaeyoung asked as she rounded the corner. 

“Uh? Oh, yeah, sorry I just- actually need to get going, something…came up.”

“I figured as much, do you need a ride? It would probably be faster than taking the bus.”

Weighing the pros and cons of the situation, she saw it as a lose-lose all the way around. 

But if she had to choose, letting Chaeyoung know her address took a backseat to impressing Seoyeon’s social worker (who in her opinion, had it out for her since the beginning). 

“Alright- if you don’t mind.” 

“I don’t.” Chaeyoung smiled.

“Ok, great.” She nodded glancing next to them at the fridge. “I hate to ask this of you, but, well- when was the last time you went grocery shopping?” 


	6. Uncertainties

_"...If I scream at the top of my lungs, will you hear what I don’t say, if I dance like I’m on a stage, will you see I seem out of place, if I put on a disguise, will you think everything’s alright, if i leave before the end, will you forget that I was there…When you saw me leaving, did you think I had a place to go…” The xx: Performance_

// 

If there was one thing she’d learned about people, it was that they always expected things in return. 

All her life, she’d known that to be true. 

But now? 

Now, she wasn’t so certain. 

She was uncertain, because right now- Chaeyoung was driving them to her apartment, with groceries from the latter's fridge, with no questions asked. 

(And so yeah, that image kind of messed with her brain in the worst of ways.)

“It’s the brown building on the right.” Mina spoke quietly; anticipation rising inside of her as the car pulled into a space near the curb. 

“Tall building.” Chaeyoung nodded thoughtfully. “You want some help with the bags?”

“Oh, no, really it’s alright-“ She began before jumping at a sudden knock on the window. 

Rolling down the glass revealed a very annoyed looking Jihyo. “Hey, sorry to interrupt. Just- there’s a very agitated social worker upstairs who’s typing up a storm on her obscenely small computer. But, by all means, please. Take your time.” 

“Sorry,” Mina pursed her lips, “Um, Chaeyoung was just dropping me off-“

“I don’t think so.” Jihyo interrupted her, placing a hand on her hips. “As much of bad idea it is, both of you should come so you have an alibi.” 

Sending her best pleading look to her friend, Mina shook her head as discretely as possible, but was ignored as Jihyo begin walking back towards the entrance. 

“So, that’s…” Chaeyoung trailed off, awkwardly fiddling with her keys. 

“That, is Jihyo. She, watches my daughter for me when I’m- away at work.” 

“Ah.”

“Yeah.” 

“So, I’ll just, grab those from the back.”

(“What’s your daughter’s name?” Chaeyoung asked on their short elevator ride up to the tenth floor. 

“Seoyeon.” Mina rocked back and forth on the balls of her heels. “She’s five.”)

// 

“I found her- well, them.” Jihyo let out forced laughter as she led them into the apartment while eyeing the unamused figure in the living room. “Thought I’d see if they needed help with, the, um, bags.” 

“Right, now why don’t you go put them away.” Mina smiled, grabbing one of the bags from Chaeyoung and handing it the other woman. “Both of you?” 

Taking the cue, Jihyo headed to the small kitchen at the right- Chaeyoung being quick to follow. 

“So good of you to join us Ms. Myoui, what excuse will it be this time.” 

Biting the inside of her cheek, Mina closed her eyes before taking a deep breath and settling herself onto the couch. “I was out getting groceries. Didn’t Jihyo tell you? Where's Seoyeon.”

“Oh she told me. And Seoyeon is in her bedroom.” The social worker replied, eyes never leaving the glowing screen placed precariously on her lap. “Though, I will say I find it odd that this will be the third, consecutive, instance in which Ms. Park has been here, while you, have not.” 

“You must have a very inconvenient sense of timing then.” She fired back, not in the mood for being ridiculed. 

“So it would seem. And your other friend? Who is she.” 

“That’s- Chaeyoung. We’re, um-“ 

“We’re friends from university,.” Chaeyoung suddenly interjected, all but throwing herself down next to her on the couch. 

“Uh, yes. University.” 

Pinching hard at Chaeyoung’s thigh, she glared as to say, _what the hell are you doing?_

However Chaeyoung never flinched, and proceeded to make eye contact while flashing her a bright smile; _trust me._

(Was it crazy that she did?)

“Chaeyoung?...” 

"Chaeyoung, Son Chaeyoung." 

"Funny, we've never met before." The older woman finally looked up to appraise her new prey. "Mina, you didn't tell me you made a new friend." 

"I'm not surprised." Chaeyoung laughed playfully taking the lead. "We've only been talking for a couple weeks."

"I see. And you've come over for?"

"I promised Mina I'd show her my cooking skills! Can you believe she would doubt me?" 

"Cooking? At such an hour?" 

"Well, it is only seven. A late meal once in awhile won't hurt anyone." 

"What is it that you study, Ms. Son?"

"I'm a literature and linguistics major."

"Impressive, though, quite a narrow field of study, no?"

"I am quite certain I will have no trouble finding employment afterwards if that is what you're insinuating." 

To this the social worker huffed out an amused laugh. "Interesting. And have you met Seoyeon?"

Chaeyoung faltered for a moment, side-eyeing Mina for some direction to which she simply looked down. 

"I have never formally met Seoyeon, but I have heard- many good things." 

"Mm. Well, if you wouldn't mind Ms. Son, I will need you to fill out a form for me regarding some, personal information." 

Taking the paper and pen Chaeyoung gave a polite smile. "Of course not." 

"We will be meeting as scheduled, Ms. Myoui."

"Of course. Tomorrow then." Mina nodded. 

"Not staying for dinner?" Chaeyoung questioned, handing the form back.

"I will be taking my leave now, but, thank you for the offer Ms. Son."

Watching the woman rise from her seat, Mina followed suit and ushered her out the door, exchanging charged formalities before practically slamming the door shut. 

"She seems, interesting." Chaeyoung called, having not moved from her spot on the couch

"Momma?" 

"Seoyeon, you can come out now." Mina went to meet the little girl peeking out from behind the bedroom door.

Kneeling down, she was quick to lift the girl up and plant a kiss on her cheek. "Hey sweetie, sorry I wasn't here." 

"S'alright." Seoyeon mumbled out while burrowing into her neck, clearly tired from her day. 

"Did she ask you a lot of questions?" 

Seoyeon simply nodded before lifting her head up slightly, looking in the direction of a smiling Chaeyoung. 

"That's, a friend of mine. Would you like to say hello?" 

Another nod was given, and so she gently placed the girl back on the ground before taking her hand and leading them over to where Chaeyoung sat.

"Seoyeon, this is Chaeyoung. Chaeyoung, this is Seoyeon." 

"Hi." Seoyeon shyly smiled from behind Mina's leg. 

"Mina? A word?" Jihyo called, leaning against the counter connected to the kitchen. 

"Are you okay here?" Mina glanced down at the small figure clinging to her leg. 

"It's ok. Why don't you have a seat, maybe we can watch some cartoons. If that's alright with your mom of course."

//

From afar, Mina watched as her daughter snuggled into Chaeyoung's side and laughed along with whatever was playing on the television. 

It was odd to see Seoyeon warm up to someone so quickly, but she also wasn't surprised.

What, with Chaeyoung's warm personality and oddly expansive knowledge of cartoons- she would guess any kid would find her a suitable friend.

"What's up?" She asked, moving deeper into the kitchen where Jihyo stood frowning. 

"What are you doing." 

"What, what do you mean." 

"This, Chaeyoung? Is she- the one you've been, _seeing_?" 

"Jihyo-"

"Oh god, alright. Well, she needs to go, she can’t be hanging around here." Jihyo threw an exasperated look her way. 

“I agree, but you're the one who told her to come up." She tried to reason. "Look, Chaeyoung, is- harmless."

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

“I don’t-" 

"Mina- _what_ are you doing."

"I don't know, Ok, I don't know! I just- I had no choice. It was either come an hour late, or get here as soon as possible with her help. I needed this meeting." Mina all but yelled through gritted teeth. "What else was I supposed to do."

"I don't know," Jihyo sighed shaking her head in disappointment, "I just- you know why I'm angry, there are already so many things wrong with this situation."

"I know." She nodded guiltily. "I know." 

//

Words were fickle things- much like her judgement.

Of course she knew why Jihyo was angry- she was angry with herself too. 

Adding another person into her mess was the last thing she should have been doing. Especially now that that person had interacted with Seoyeon, it would make it especially difficult to draw the lines.

But it happened, and the only thing she could do now was focus on the present. 

"Hey, is everything alright? I saw that Jihyo left kind of upset- was it, me?" 

"Oh, no, definitely not you." She laughed out bitterly. "Is Seoyeon-"

"Out like a light. I carried her to her bedroom and tucked her in, sorry, should I have asked first?"

(And that- is exactly why it was so complicated). 

It had taken her years to finally let Jihyo help her. Of course, she would never take money from her friend, so the only thing she would allow was watching Seoyeon.

But now to have Chaeyoung come into the equation not even after a couple months of knowing each other- it was dangerous. 

It was dangerous and rash and only proved just how out of hand she'd let things get. 

(And as much as she hated to admit it, Jihyo was right- Chaeyoung was her _client_ , not her girlfriend). 

"We should talk." 

"Alright, sure." 

Taking a pause, she worried her bottom lip between her teeth before continuing. "I just want to, thank you for what you did tonight." 

"Oh, it was nothing, really." 

"No, you didn't have to do what you did and I'm grateful." 

"But-?" Chaeyoung tilted her head, sensing that wasn't all she had to say. 

"But, I think we need to- stop. Whatever this is." 

"Stop? Mina, I-" 

"That woman tonight? She decides whether Seoyeon stays with me or not." Mina spoke, stopping Chaeyoung's protests. "I- there's something you should know. I'm- married." 

"M-married." Chaeyoung stuttered out, eyes widening at the revelation. 

"We're- separated, obviously. They- my "ex", wasn't the greatest. But divorce is expensive. And it has to be mutual." 

“I still, don’t understand..."

"I don't want them to have co-custody of Seoyeon. And I can't adopt her until I've settled that battle. So, in order not to complicate things further, I think we should terminate our agreement."

"What about your work at the club?" 

"That isn't withstanding- all my clients there are always one night deals." 

Rubbing the back of her head, Chaeyoung let out a sigh. "I- get it. But, also I don't."

"I'm a married club worker who occasionally sleeps with people who pay her enough and is raising a child- pretty straight forward."

"Mina-" 

"You- you're so...normal." She breathed out. "You go to class, you have a two bedroom apartment- you play ping pong and drink wine and probably pay your bills on time." 

Chaeyoung simply eyed her with even more confusion than before. 

"You buy _kale_ , God, Chaeyoung." Mina raised her voice slightly. "Don't you see it? Don't you see what an _absolute_ disaster I am? You're already stuck now that Seoyeon's social worker took your number. You should minimize the damage while there's still time."

"What if I don't want to?" Chaeyoung spoke softly while inching forward.

"I can't be that good at my job Chaeyoung, come on." She gave a tired and wry smile. "This has gone on long enough. I think- we've crossed a line." 

"Maybe we have, but, why is that so bad? Is it just me? Do you not- feel the same? Because I really think-“

“Chaeyoung,” Mina shook her head sadly, “look around you. I- we’re so, so different. You have so much- potential. You should, be out there with someone who can give you a normal life.” 

Backing up enough for her back to hit the counter, she was helpless as Chaeyoung brought a hand up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear and lean close enough for their noses to practically brush together. “What if I don’t want that. What if I want you.” 

“Do you know the difference between lust and love Chaeyoung?” She breathed out shakily, sidestepping the others words. 

“I’d like to think so, yes.” Chaeyoung hummed thoughtfully. “And more than I that, I know you just want to look after your daughter. But what about you? Who’s looking after you?” 

“I don’t need someone to look after me.” She shot back while gritting her teeth. 

“I’m not pitying you. You’re probably one of the strongest people, if anything, it’s more for me than it is for you.” Leaning away and taking a step back, Chaeyoung sighed but still managed a small smile. “I understand. I do. And if you want me to go, then I will. But I want you to know, that however things play out, you can always come to me.” 

And with that, she watched Chaeyoung slip out the door, and subsequently out of her reach. 

Despite how much talking they had done, she still wasn’t sure she made the right call. 

She wasn’t sure if she should have listened to Jihyo. 

(Deep down inside she wasn’t sure if there really was a right or a wrong answer). 

But either way, she couldn’t rid the bitter feeling inside of her at the sight of Chaeyoung’s groceries invading her kitchen- and whether that symbolized more that it should have was also a glaring uncertainty to her. 

(God, she really needed to get it together).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I felt like this chapter was just lot of dialogue, but hopefully it was beneficial the story's progression. As always, thanks for reading and I hope you've enjoyed!


	7. Beginnings and Wonders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter switches between timelines; things in italics are in the past while events that haven't occur before the previous chapter.

“I don’t know where I went wrong, tell me (should I see someone), ceiling’s falling down on me, you look but you never see…Just take it out on me, it’s easier than saying what you mean, test me, see if I break…” The xx: Test Me

// 

When she was younger, her mother had told her that the only two things certain in life were it’s beginning and it’s the end. 

That everything in-between was up to her, and that she shouldn’t do bad things- for the sake of propriety. 

(Looking back it, there was definitely a situation of calling the kettle black, but, she digressed). 

Even now though, Mina didn’t put a lot of thought into such things- never really bought into the idea of ending up in a place way in the sky or down below in a burning wasteland. 

(Perhaps that was because she felt as if she'd already drawn the short end of the stick). 

“You alright there?”

“Mm?” 

Being drawn out of her thoughts to refocus on the figure above her, Mina reached a hand up through the darkness to cradle the others cheek. 

“Mina?” 

“Yeah,” she whispered, eyes slipping closed once more. 

“Mina are you okay?” 

“Mm."

Feeling a shirt being tugged back onto her person, she sighed and sat up- pulling the garment down enough to reach the top of her thighs before settling back to rest on her side. 

A rush of cool air made her shiver as a new sheet was placed over her; Chaeyoung, stalling for a moment behind her before placing a hand on her hip and gently nuzzling into the back of her neck. 

“Do you want to take a shower?” 

“In a minute.” 

Reaching back, she guided the others arm to wrap securely around her waist while leaning back into the embrace. 

And lying there, tangled together listening to the faint sound of trickling rain and Chaeyoung’s rhythmic breathing- Mina felt isolated. 

(She felt like maybe, just maybe, she could forget about everything and pretend that things were okay). 

// 

_It had become a common occurrence, her showing up on Jihyo's doorstep looking for sanctuary._

_"If you won't leave for yourself, leave for me." Jihyo pleaded one night while nursing a nasty bruise she acquired on her arm. “You’re my closest friend Mina, I can’t stand to see you in this situation."_

_And her friend was right- leaving would be the right thing to do._

_The smart thing to do._

_What was happening to her was wrong- she should know._

_(Should, being the key word)._

_But in some twisted way, she could never bring herself to just- leave._

_To leave behind the person she believed she loved._

_Sometimes she would sit outside and watch her neighbors go about their day and think, so that's what life is supposed to be like._

_But for herself?_

_Maybe this was how she was supposed to live._

_Maybe she had done something to deserve this._

_(Was that it? Was this all just some divine retribution for the sins she had committed?)_

//

"Have you ever fallen in love?" 

Rolling her head to the side, she waited for a moment before answering Chaeyoung's question. 

"Yes." 

"Oh? What was- is- it like?"

"Well, I mean, it probably won't make much sense unless you experience it for yourself." 

"Yeah, I suppose you're right..." Chaeyoung looked at her while laughing softly. "I guess- I was just wondering how you knew."

"Knew what?"

"Knew you were in love."

(And in moments like that, when Chaeyoung would smile at her with such wonder and hope- as if she held all the answers to the universe- that was when she would truly allow herself to let go). 

"I guess, I'm not entirely certain. But, the first time I fell in love, I think- maybe, I loved that person more than they loved me. Does that make sense?" 

"Yeah, I understand.” Chaeyoung nodded, offering her a knowing look. 

(“Was there second time?" 

“A second time? Yes.") 

//

_The first person she fell in love with turned out to not be who she imagined._

_But the second person she fell for would be the one who mattered the most._

_(As they say, sometimes love has a strange way of finding us)._

_And in this case, she found it one evening while meandering through town._

_If she weren't listening close enough she would've missed the almost muffled whimpers that sounded from the nearby dumpster._

_But she did hear them, and what she found nearly had her stumbling backward from shock._

_There, swaddled tightly in a thin blanket amongst a sea of black trash bags- sat a baby that looked no more than a few hours old._

_It became apparent to Mina that the baby was abandoned after birth._

_(It also became apparent to her that she now had a choice. A choice to turn a blind eye, or to take it to a nearby orphanage)._

_Neither were great- leaving it to die was absolutely out of the question, and putting it into the system wouldn't exactly guarantee a good life- so, she decided to bring it along with her to the best place she knew._

_(Jihyo would be waiting later that night to welcome her inside while reaching out for the newborn)._

//

_It wasn’t love at first sight- anything but._

_For the first week she had probably had second thoughts every hour she was with the newborn- Seoyeon- as Jihyo had been gunning for the past couple of days._

_But this was her reality, and in retrospect, Mina was soft- she had chosen to bring her in, and now it was her duty to provide for Seoyeon._

_A glance to where the girl was napping peacefully on top of Jihyo and she knew she was sunk._

_(She always had been a little too soft)._

//

She often wondered when she realized what a shit-storm her life had become.

Was it after she began working at the club? 

Was it after she had chosen to take care of Seoyeon? 

Was it after she saw how strained her and Jihyo’s relationship had become because of the decision? 

(Was it a combination of all those things?)

Regardless, she wasn’t dense enough to ignore the fact that she had hit a wall. 

The culmination of everything was pushing her moral and physical boundaries to the point of no return. 

And so that Winter, she threw her meager belonging’s into a plastic bag and quietly slipped out of the only place she had to call home. 

She wanted to change. 

For Jihyo, for Soeyeon- for herself. 

(She thought she could make it- she knew she could. She just wasn’t expecting anyone like Chaeyoung to come along.)


	8. Hate That You Know Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sectioned off items in italics are entries.

"...In all I know, in all I’ve done, I take you along, though you’re not here, I can feel you there, I take you along…And when I’m scared, I imagine you there, telling me to be brave…So I will be brave for you, stand on a stage for you, do the things that I’m afraid to do...I see things change, and I watch them grow, and I know you do too, when things don’t make sense, I have courage, because of you…" The xx: Brave For You

//

In her dreams, she sees a house. 

A little, two story abode with brick siding and chipping stucco. There’s a porch where a solitary rocking chair sits, still swaying in motion as if someone had recently occupied it. 

From the bottom of the hill she looks up and watches as smoke rises from the chimney; one foot in front of the other, she begins to move towards it. 

The door to the house is comprised of just a sliding screen door which she ultimately finds to be locked, and so she settles to peer in through the entryway. 

Inside, figures mill about their daily life, and try as she might- Mina can never place their faces. 

(She would never admit how much it unsettles her- would always ignore the bouts of questions being whispered into her head). 

// 

A week passes and she doesn’t think about Chaeyoung- or at least, tries her hardest not to. 

She goes to her classes in the morning, works the afternoon shift at the bookstore, and then spends the nights at the club rubbing against whoever requests her. 

And she was fine. 

Everything was fine. 

It had become obvious though that she wasn’t convincing anyone. Not Nayeon, not Jihyo- not even Seoyeon would believe her when she brushed off their concerned glances. 

“You look terrible.” Jeongyeon caught her sitting out back on break. 

“Aw, you’re sweet.” 

“That’s what people tell me.” 

Mina rolled her eyes as the other smiled- genuinely proud of that statement. “What can I do for you Jeongyeon.” 

“Straight to business, I like that.” Jeongyeon reached inside her pocket for a cigarette before earning a hard glare which made her laugh. “Sorry, I forgot. Anyway, Nayeon and I were just, a little worried. About you.” 

“You shouldn’t be.” 

“Really? Well, alright then. If you say so- just seemed to us like you’ve been a bit- preoccupied as of late.” 

“It’s nothing for you to worry about.” Mina sighed out grouchily, shoulders dropping an inch further.

“I’m sure. Well, if you don’t wanna talk about it, maybe you could try writing it down.” 

“Jeongyeon, just let it-“

“I get it, you don’t wanna talk. But at least try and do something about it before you explode- worth a shot right?” Standing up, Jeongyeon nodded thoughtfully.

“So what, you want me to keep like, a diary?” Mina asked.

“Something like that, yeah.” 

// 

She wasn’t going to say it was a stupid idea- but it was a stupid idea. 

It was childish to her- a waste of time, simply writing down her thoughts that were doing no harm just staying in her head. 

Of course, she made the mistake of venting this to Jihyo, who, _of course_ , though that journaling her thoughts was a wonderful idea. 

“You know I don’t care what you do, I just want what’s best for you. For both you and Seoyeon.” Jihyo gives her a look, passing over a plastic shopping bag containing a spiral bound notebook and a pack of pens. 

“I know.” 

And she did. 

She knew Jihyo tried her best, she knew she often overlooked just how much her friend did for her- she knew that the latter was right more often than she was wrong. 

So if Jihyo wanted her to try, she would try. 

It couldn’t be too terrible right?

(Except that it was considering that all she wanted to write about was Chaeyoung- which, alright maybe everyone had a point).

-

_#1: I don’t want to worry or be burdensome to anyone, but apparently I’ve done just that. So I suppose this set up will do. I’m not exactly sure how effective it will be, but it made Jihyo smile, and that’s the least I could do._

// 

“Momma!” 

“Yeah sweetie,” Mina spoke, carefully tucking the edges of the blanket under the small body. 

“Guess what.” 

“What.” 

“I’m going to be in a play!” 

“Oh really?” She smiled, leaning down to plant a kiss on Seoyeon’s forehead. “That’s great baby, when is it?” 

“Um, I don’t remember, aunt Jihyo put the- um, paper in my folder.” 

“That’s alright, I’ll ask her later.” 

“Momma?” 

“Yes.” 

“Can Chaeyoung come?” 

“Chaeyoung?” Mina blinked.

“Yeah! She was really nice, I liked her. When we watched tv she liked all the shows I liked.”

“Uh, well, she might be busy, but- I don’t know we’ll see, okay?”

-

_#2: Apparently Seoyeon and Chaeyoung really hit it off the last time they met. Either this is a sign, or collateral damage from a bad decision._

//

(She couldn’t say she felt one way or the other about it). 

//

In the past, she had always loved the idea of romance. 

And of course, she would tell no one else about this, but she always had a sliver of hope that the part of her that believed in romance wasn’t dead. 

(And it wasn’t, she was sure. It was just buried deep, deep within all the pessimistic thoughts of her mind). 

She couldn’t be sure, however, if she was able to tell what a healthy relationship looked like. 

-

_#3: I think if I can rationalize the situation it might be better for me. I’ve always been told I’m a calculated person- why not stick to what you’re good at?_

  1. _No good will come out of bringing someone else into your mess- that’s just reckless and inconsiderate._
  2. _Seoyeon cannot get attached to someone who’s not a guaranteed constant._
  3. _Isn't she out of your league?_



//

“Sit down.” 

“What? I have a class-“ Mina felt the words die on the tip of her tongue when she saw the look Jihyo was giving her. 

“You want to explain the hoard of cash you’ve got hidden in your closet?” 

“Oh.” 

If she were honest, she would say that she’d completely forgotten about the money she had hidden. 

All of it from a certain Son Chaeyoung- all of it still intact. 

“I, um-“

“You can’t tell me you got that all from work. No one there carries around hundred dollar bills.” 

“It’s from my- private sessions, alright.” Her face reddened slightly as she hiked her bag further up her shoulder. 

“From this past month?” 

“You make it sound like I just sleep around- no. I mean- some of it is, it’s all just, accumulated.”

“So why haven’t you been using it then.” Jihyo questioned, though from her tone Mina could tell she already had an inkling. 

"I-I don't-"

"Oh Mina," Jihyo softened and reached out to grip her hand. "Why can't you just- just, let us help you?" 

Biting back the feeling that was clawing its way up her throat she let out a shaky scoff. "Us? I thought you didn't even like her." 

"I never said I didn't like her, I simply wanted to be cautious." Jihyo asserted. "I know this, Chaeyoung, probably means well, I just want to make sure _you_ are on the same page."

"It's no big deal- you were right, it wasn't ok what we were doing, I was letting it get- too personal."

"I'm not trying to discourage you, I just don't want to see you hurt. But now..." 

"I have to go." Mina quickly retracted her hand from the others grasp and sped out the door. 

-

_4\. Love makes you weak- it makes you soft and loose and you can't afford to be either._

//

The call comes when Mina is least expecting it to- when she's finally tamed her thoughts and fallen back into her routine. 

"Slow down- what's wrong. What's happening?" 

"There was an incident, the- the bus, and Seoyeon-" Jihyo all but stuttered out, clearly shaken. 

At those words, the world stopped for a moment before she felt herself running down the sidewalk to the nearest hospital- phone forgotten as it was hung up and carelessly stuffed into her pocket. 

-

_5\. You have more important responsibilities._

// 

The scene that greeted in the emergency room was absolute chaos. 

Gurneys rushed passed her carrying bloodied persons and erywhere Mina looked she saw concerned people asking for their children, grabbing at nurses and doctors with an air of desperateness. 

She was so disoriented in the moment that she just narrowly saw Jihyo urgently waving her into an exam a few feet ahead. 

Reaching the door frame her body tensed at the scene inside. 

There, on the exam table sat Seoyeon, happily babbling about her day while Chaeyoung stood next to her, holding her hand and humorously nodding along. 

Jihyo met her at the door and gave her a sheepish but knowing smile. 

(She really wished her friend would stop doing that- acting like they were one step ahead of everything. (And even if she was it still annoyed her to no end)). 

“Momma!” 

Pushing further inside, Mina quickly grasped at Seoyeon and hugged her tightly. “Hey, hey are you alright? What happened? Are you hurt?” 

“She received some scratches from the glass, but other than that, she’s alright.” Chaeyoung pursed her lips and slowly backed away from the embracing duo.

“I’m alright momma.” Seoyeon’s voice came muffled against Mina’s shoulder. 

Letting out a relieved sigh, she kissed the top of the girls head before loosening her grip. “You had me so worried.” 

“The doctor is on her way back for you to sign some release forms, we’ll be waiting outside.” Jihyo spoke, signaling for her and Chaeyoung to leave. 

“By Chaeyoung.” Seoyeon smiled and waved. 

“By kiddo, hope you heal up quickly.” Chaeyoung waved back before making to follow Jihyo out. 

“Um, hey.” Mina reached for the latter’s hand, words sticking in her throat as the other turned around with wide eyes. 

“Hey.” 

“I-um, would you mind, sticking around? Just- I want to talk to you.” 

“Oh, yeah. Of course.” 

// 

In her dreams, she sees a house. 

The same, little, two story abode with brick siding and chipping stucco. She takes a step forward, and slowly makes her way up to the house.

The porch is there, and the solitary rocking chair is present with it’s perpetual swaying motion- but this time, this time something is different. 

There, on the porch, stand the inhabitants of the house, their faces clear to her for the first time. 

(The voice in her head asks once more, _what do you want_?)

(And she knows now- she understands). 

(She thinks she's known for some time now). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Back with another chapter for you guys, which means there's only three more left for this story! Thanks so much for reading and as always I hope you enjoyed :)


	9. Your Hand In Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note, this chapter is from Chaeyoung's point of view- thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!

“…Am I blind, you move your hand away from mine, I’ll take it as a sign, that you’re any less than mine, oh it doesn’t move me to be cold, it does’t lessen my hope…Oh let it unfold, I won’t leave it untold, the feeling goes on and on and on…In my head, you tell me things you’ve never said, and I choose to forget, and take the good and leave the rest, oh the illusions getting old, and you don’t answer when I call, I would have given you it all…” The xx: Unfold

//

Stepping outside, she gently slid the door shut and watched as Jihyo paused for a moment before turning around to face her. "I didn't invite you here for you two to talk- not, intentionally anyway." 

"Oh, no I didn't-"

"I wouldn't manipulate the situation like that." Jihyo continued, biting her lip nervously while also scrutinizing her through narrow eyes. 

"I wouldn't think you would." Chaeyoung nodded quickly. 

"It's just, Seoyeon talks about you a lot and well, I thought having another familiar face here would help distract her." 

"Right, I understand." 

Together the two moved further down the hall until they reached the elevator doors. 

"Are you leaving?" Chaeyoung asked as Jihyo moved to press the down arrow.

Jihyo simply nodded and smiled. "There's no need for me to stick around. Besides, it would probably be best if I wasn't around when you two did your thing." 

"Oh." 

"Listen, I don't know what you're relationship is with Mina- or your motives, but-"

"If you're going to lecture me about hurting her you don't have to worry." Chaeyoung rebutted, too tired to argue a defense.

"Oh, no I'm not worried about that." Jihyo waved off, surprising Chaeyoung while leisurely stepping into the lift. "I trust Mina- and she seems to trust you so, that's enough for me. What I was going to say was, whatever it is you two decide, just, be patient with her. She means well, but she's also stubborn as hell."

Letting out a rueful chuckle, she nodded. "I'll be sure to keep that in mind." 

//

"Here you go." 

Pushing the steaming cup into Mina's hands, Chaeyoung offered a small smile before taking a seat next to her in the small waiting room.

A thin silence stretched between them as she felt the tough plastic of the chair beginning to dig into her shoulder blades. 

"So..." Mina drawled out, fiddling with the loose string of the tea bag. "I- assume Jihyo called you?"

"Uh, yeah. She wanted someone else to be here." 

(If Mina was curious as to how- and why- Jihyo called _her,_ she stays mum about it. Choosing to simply jog her leg up and down before breaking the tense air). 

"I'm sorry." 

Leaning further back into her chair Chaeyoung turned her head to lock eyes with Mina. "It's alright. You have nothing to be sorry for." 

"No, I- don't think I've been very, well, professional about things. I’m, kind of bad at accepting, help."

"I didn't- I don't really mind." She let out a puff of laughter before straightening in her seat. "I'm partly to blame as well, so."

"Can you answer something for me?" 

"Anything." 

"Why?"

Tilting her head to the side, she furrowed her brows before parroting back the question. "Why?"

"Why did you decide to come back. After the first night, why come back." 

"Well- I guess, I just liked you?" Chaeyoung blushed, looking away now to the ground. "I don't know how to describe it, but, I guess I just felt comfortable with you. Like, you understood what I wanted- what I needed."

"I- I see." Mina blinked.

"I get that it's crazy, and well, maybe even weird. But, I'd really, really like to try this with you. To have a- relationship with you. And If not that's not something you're up for- then I'd at least like to help you with Seoyeon, or, something." She was quick to amend. 

"I can't- I can't give you anything though." Mina shaking her head, baffled by the offer. "I have _nothing_ to offer you." 

“That’s not-," Chaeyoung leaned over to grasp Mina's shaking hands in her own steady pair. "You don't have to give me anything. I'm not asking you for anything."

"But I-"

"I'd be more hurt if you didn't accept my help. I want to do this because- because I..." She paused, searching for something in the others eyes. "I- I love you."

"I- I don't- I can't." Mina choked, voice overrun with untamed emotions. "I've never done this- _felt_ this before."

"I know," Chaeyoung maneuvered herself to crouch in front of Mina and took her face gently between her own hands. "I know. I've never done this either- but we can try together, right?"

"How are you real?" Mina whispered with an tone of incredulousness, eyes almost glazing over as she stared past Chaeyoung. "You can't- this isn't real."

"Hey, hey look at me. Just, focus on me ok?" Leaning their foreheads together, she brought Mina impossibly closer as she tried to help the her calm down. “That’s it, just breath."

"God, I _missed_ you." Mina whimpered, pulling her forward to bury her head in her neck. “I’ve never felt this- this _need_ to just, be with someone. You know? I was so scared- I didn't understand it. I _don’t_ understand it. "

"That's ok, I didn't understand it either at first." She soothed, rubbing a hand up and down Mina's back.

“I’m such a mess.” 

Leaning back from the embrace momentarily, Chaeyoung took a moment to appraise the situation. 

Even in such a dismantled state, she thought- no, she knew- that Mina was _absolutely_ breathtaking. 

And while others might have seen a broken woman, that was a far cry from what she saw. 

No, what she saw was a woman who was entirely selfless, a woman who was smart, and loyal and hardworking- a woman who deserved the world. 

(She wanted to be the one who gave Mina that).

//

They sat embracing on the floor for what felt like hours- Mina taking the time to compose herself and recharge from the emotional outpour. 

“I’m sorry about your shirt.” Mina sniffled slightly, glancing nervously at the odd dark patch on Chaeyoung’s sweater. 

“Don’t worry about it.” She flashed the other a smile before bringing them both to their feet. 

Not a moment later a bubbly Seoyeon came bouncing after them, tugging a kindly looking old man behind her. 

“Mrs. Myoui?” The doctor asked, waving a clipboard above his head. 

“Yes, that’s me.” 

“Chaeyoung?”

Watching as Mina spoke softly in the corner of the room with the doctor, Chaeyoung stretched out a hand for Seoyeon to take. “Yeah kiddo?”

“I’m hungry.” 

Letting out a full laugh, she smiled down at the small child clinging to her leg. “Alright then, we should probably fix that, huh?” 

//

(It was obvious Mina and her still had a lot to work out- a lot to talk about. 

But right now, right now all she wanted to do was enjoy Mina resting her head on her shoulder while they watched Seoyeon burn the rest of her energy on the monkey bars). 


	10. The Heart of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter is in Mina's POV- (rated but there's really only a small part that's slightly descriptive because I'm horrible at writing stuff like that).

"...Before it slips away…Say something loving, I just don’t remember the thrill of affection...I need a reminder the feeling’s escaped me...I went looking for it, could have been anyone’s kiss, throwing my arms at no one, when I gave up (I found love)…The though flows through my mind, and it’s growing all the time, I do myself a disservice, to feel this weak (to be this nervous)…It’s so overwhelming…Feels so unfamiliar…Without hesitation it hits me, hits me…Your touch stays on my skin, I feel it starts sinking in, here come my insecurities, I almost expect you to leave…Were you really looking for me, try your best to reassure me, I wasn’t patient to meet you, am I too needy (am I too eager)…I can’t hold it inside...all my hesitations are fading, I feel it taking over…” The xx: Say Something Loving

// 

She doesn’t quit her job, not immediately anyway. 

Which is hard for Chaeyoung to understand, despite the many times she had tried to explain it. 

(“You don’t have to go back you know. I can supp-” 

“I know you can. I want to though, I want to go back.”)

And don’t get her wrong, it certainly wasn’t because she enjoyed working at the club. No, it was just that to her, it represented more than a job- to her, it represented hard work, a sort of foundation. 

It represented how much of herself she was willing to give up in order to provide for Seoyeon. 

She owed a lot to Nayeon, who took her in when she was beginning to lose all hope of keeping it together. She owed a lot to Jeongyeon, the cocky bartender who always found a way to make her smile through her shift. 

She owed a lot to many people there, so to just leave felt cheap. 

(It felt disloyal, and that was something she wasn’t- something she refused to be). 

Eventually though, she understood that she couldn’t stay forever. That being there for her daughter meant more than earning her keep, especially now that Chaeyoung had a habit of spoiling them both no matter how much she protested. 

So when she does give her two weeks notice to Nayeon, the older woman simply smiles and gives her a knowing look, telling her that she’d be missed and to come back to visit soon. 

(She figured Jeongyeon had something to do with that). 

// 

If there's one thing she’d learned from her work, it was that nothing good came free. 

And in most aspects that was true- but in others, Mina supposes maybe it was just her own stubbornness showing. 

Either way, she wanted to be careful of whatever it was her relationship with Chaeyoung was. 

It wasn’t that she didn’t trust the other woman, it was more like she distrusted herself to not screw things up; and so she had told Chaeyoung that she wanted to take things slow before delving into a full blown relationship. 

Sometimes though, she felt like it was impossible to distinguish what that would look like. 

(Sometimes, she felt like they were already there).

Like when Chaeyoung would spontaneously stop by the bookstore with a packed lunch for her.

When she would call her and they would spend hours talking about nothing and everything. 

When she would watch Seoyeon instead of having her call Jihyo in order for the two to have some, “bonding time”. 

(“We should get together sometime, go out for dinner or something so we can all meet.” Jihyo voiced one evening as she was cleaning up after movie night. 

“Who?” 

“You know, Chaeyoung and us. I’m sure she has friends too, maybe it’s time you met them.” 

“I don’t know, we haven’t really talked about- all that yet.” Mina blushed, busying herself with picking loose popcorn bits from the creases of the couch.

“Is there anything really to talk about?” Jihyo practically snorted. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Oh, nothing.”

She doesn’t miss the- _you two are practically married already just ask her out-_ that Jihyo mutters to herself but decides to ignore it). 

//

In the end, it’s Chaeyoung who cracks first and asks her out on a date while Mina scrubs semi-burnt mac and cheese from the bottom of a pan. 

(“A date?”

“Yeah, I mean, coming over here and spending time with Seoyeon and you is great. I just thought, maybe we could go out together- alone.”

“Oh.” 

“Of course, if you aren’t ready for that yet I totally understand, I don’t want to push you or anything I just-“ 

“Yes.” 

“-don’t want you to think I’m not interested, but, I mean obviously I am, but not like, in the pushy sense, and, wait. Did you just say yes?”

Laughing, Mina reached to turn the tap off and set the pan aside before turning to face a beaming Chaeyoung. 

“Yes, I will go on a date with you. Did you think I would say no?”

“I don’t know, I- I guess I wasn’t sure if I was pushing you or not.” 

“You aren’t.” Mina smiled. 

“Ok. Does tomorrow at six work?”

“It’s a date.”)

//

In their relationship, it seemed like it was Chaeyoung that was constantly _giving._

And of course, the latter would never complain about this, in fact, she would probably say she wasn’t doing enough. 

But it does bother Mina _._

Considering her background, most probably had the misconception that she was a promiscuous person by nature- that she was an embodiment of her work.

And sure, there’s probably something to be said for knowing quick ways to pleasure someone, but for Mina that novelty had worn off long ago. 

She didn’t feel the need for that sort of, "physicality", in a relationship, and consequently, she felt as if she was depriving Chaeyoung of that. 

It was always Chaeyoung who would reach for her hand, always Chaeyoung who would lean in and place a kiss on her cheek after a date- always Chaeyoung who would shower her in affection. 

(Why couldn’t she reciprocate? Was there something wrong with her? It should be easy- just like before when Chaeyoung was just another client of hers- right?)

And so she tries, one night, after coming back from a particularly satisfying dinner with Chaeyoung. 

Seoyeon was staying with Jihyo for the night, and the other had agreed to come over for a movie after dinner. 

It was the perfect set up. 

With both of them on the couch and Chaeyoung’s attention on the last minutes of the film, she presses herself close and captures their lips in a rough kiss. 

It's deep, and it's sensual, and it's _dirty-_

(So why doesn't she _feel_ anything?)

Pushing harder, she throws a leg over Chaeyoung's lap and straddles her, licking along a plump bottom lip before deepening the kiss. 

Slowly, she felt reluctant hands settle on her thighs and decides to push on. A whine was heard, and hands began to tighten around her waist. Breaking the kiss, Mina drops her head down and began planting kisses across the expanse of Chaeyoung’s neck. 

“Ah, M-Mina…” 

_Don’t think, just do-_ that had always worked for her before. 

(Why did this all seem so wrong then?)

Gently taking the lobe of Chaeyoung’s ear between her bared teeth, she nipped and ground her hips down, growing rougher with her ministrations in a desperate attempt to create a spark that never comes. 

Instead, she notices the body beneath her is still and she's confused- confused because Chaeyoung is stiff and inching away from her advances and she knows she's done something wrong. 

"Mina, stop." 

And with those words, it's as if she's been slapped. 

She scrambles off Chaeyoung's lap and looks anywhere but her face. 

"D-did I not do it right?" 

"Mina," Chaeyoung sighs out, "I don't- I'm not. You don't have to do, _that_ , you understand?"

Biting her lip, face scrunched in worry, Mina shakes her head because she _doesn't_ understand. 

Scooting closer, Chaeyoung gently rests a thigh against her own. "I mean- I'm not in a hurry to, you know, get back to where we were before. I'm more than fine with how we've been lately."

"You aren't- bored or anything?" 

"No, no of course not." Chaeyoung shakes her head and smiles. "I could care less about that- as long as your comfortable. That's what matters." 

"It's not that I don't want to. I mean- I do." Mina whispers, twirling her thumbs around each other. 

"I know, but we'll get there. There's no rush." 

(And when they do get there, she lets Chaeyoung take the lead as her hands worship every part of her- it's slow and gentle and tender and Mina _feels_ it down to her bones).

//

It takes her a while to understand what love is. 

Not because she never learned, but because she had forgotten what it was like. 

But she understands now- or at least she thinks she does. 

She thinks it's love when she falls asleep with her head in Chaeyoung's lap after a long day at work. 

She thinks it's love when Seoyeon, Chaeyoung, and her make pancakes at eight in the morning while dancing around to whatever bright pop music is playing on the radio.

She thinks it's love when Chaeyoung gives her a long kiss before heading back to their respective apartment. 

("I want you to come meet my parents." Chaeyoung blurts out over the phone one day, making her nearly topple over a stack of reference books she was cataloging. 

"Y-your parents? I- well, that's, sudden. What brought that on." Mina stutters out, unsure of how to respond.

"I don't know, I just feel like it's the right time." 

"I- I mean, sure. Of course. I'd, love to."

"Great! Are you free after work?"

"Yeah I'm free."

"Ok, can I come pick you up then?" 

"O-ok." 

\- 

It's nearly sunset when they pull up to the last place she expected. 

She supposes that's partially her fault because Chaeyoung never talks about her family and she never pushes it. 

(Probably because she understands what it feels like to not what to discuss such things).

"I hope you don't mind." Chaeyoung says quietly, squeezing her hand tighter. 

"No, it's alright."

"Did you, um, want me to start?" 

"I think- I'd like that." 

"Alright." Chaeyoung nods. "Um, Mom, Dad, this is Mina. She's- someone very special to me, and I wanted to bring her here to meet you both."

Turning their head, Chaeyoung nods again and goes silent, silently asking Mina to say something. 

Staring ahead, Mina eyes the headstone with a heavy heart, but smiles anyway. "Mr. Son, Mrs. Son. I am, so honored to meet you. I'm- very grateful to have met your daughter. She's helped me a lot, I know you would have been proud of her. I just want you to know, that- I love her very much, and will do my best to make her happy in the future." 

Bowing in respect, Mina blushes and looks back to where Chaeyoung is smiling at her. 

It's a warm smile that brings out both of her dimples, and the way Chaeyoung leans into her afterwards and squeezes her hand- that's when she _knows_ it's love).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! One more chapter to go! (The last one will act more as an epilogue - thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed!)


	11. Not A Day Too Soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note, this chapter is told from Seoyeon’s POV :)

"...Light reflects from your shadow, it is more than I though could exist, you move through the room, like breathing was easy, if someone believed me, they would be as in love with you as I am…And everyday, I am learning about you, the things that no one else sees, and the end comes too soon, like dreaming of angels…And with words unspoken, a silent devotion, I know you know what I mean, and the end is unknown, but I think I’m ready, as long you’re with me…" The xx: Angels

//

At four years old, she's just getting her bearings. 

Everything is bright and new and Seoyeon is eager to begin exploring the world.

It's fun at first, but something she's always wondered about was where her mother went at night. 

("She's just going to work sweetie. She'll be back before you know it." Jihyo would always say).

And this was something she had accepted, even at such a young age- the idea that her mother was a working mother. 

That her mother was a determined and headstrong woman. 

A woman of means.

And she'd always lived well, it wasn't like her mother was neglecting her. 

She always had clothes to wear, good food to eat, people who loved her, and life was good.

(But she felt the way her mother sometimes clung to her at night and she knew that not all is right).

//

It’s was a tiring night. 

Jihyo was acting oddly, and to make things even more uncomfortable, the social worker had been asking her questions for the past hour. 

“So Seoyeon, where did you say your mother was?”

Without looking up from where she sat occupied by a stuffed animal, Seoyeon shrugged. “Sometimes my mom works late. Aunt Jihyo said she just talked to her, she’s getting food, right?”

“Yes, that appears to be the story. Does it ever bother you that your mother works late?” 

“Not really.” 

The social worker simply nods and pins her with a look that makes her think she said something wrong when Jihyo’s voice drifts in from the kitchen. 

“Well. Why don’t you stay here, and I’ll go speak with your mother.” 

“Ok.” 

-

It isn’t for another hour that she finally gets to see her mother, immediately going to wrap her arms around her neck and bury her tired head into their neck. 

"Hey sweetie, sorry I wasn't here."

"S'alright." She mumbled out, burrowing further into the embrace. 

She was exhausted, but still she felt her head perk up slightly at the sight of an unfamiliar face across the room. 

Clad in a hoodie and thick glasses, the woman gave her a smile that had her grip tightening on her mother. 

"That's, a friend of mine. Would you like to say hello?" 

(Chaeyoung as she soon finds out, is funny and likes the same shows as her- so she's more than ok in her book). 

// 

It's a while before she meets Chaeyoung again, but when she does, it's under stressful circumstances.

"Hey kiddo, I heard you had an accident, you ok?" Chaeyoung asks, concern clear as she begins appraising her form for injuries. 

"Yeah. I cut myself a bit." Seoyeon pouts, glancing down at the gauze. 

"Does it hurt?" 

"Not really. I'm alright." She nods, blinking as small tears begin forming at the corner of her eyes. 

Chuckling softly, Chaeyoung smiled and squeezed her hand. "Ah, so brave." 

(And for a moment, she really does feel brave, cracking her first smile of the day). 

// 

It isn't until she turns a year older that she first realizes her mother and Chaeyoung might be more than friends. 

She watches the way Chaeyoung likes to hold her mother's hand- watches the way Chaeyoung would press chaste kisses to her mother's cheek and vice versa. 

She's never seen her mother act this way with Jihyo, and so she's curious as to what it means. 

"Hey Aunt Jihyo?" Seoyeon asks one night while brushing her teeth. 

"Mm?" 

"What is Chaeyoung?"

"I- I'm sorry what?" Jihyo smiled at her through the mirror and moved closer. "Here, rinse."

Taking the cup, she quickly finished brushing. "I mean, why does my mom and Chaeyoung hold hands and, kiss each other on the cheek and stuff? She doesn't do that with you." 

"Ah, well you're right, your mom doesn't do that with me." Jihyo laughed, leading her back to her bedroom. "I think it's best if you ask your mom about that though." 

"Oh. Ok."

-

When she does ask, her mother looks nervous and sits her down on the couch. 

"Well, when two people like each, they- are affectionate. Like, you know how I always kiss you goodnight and tell you I love you?" Seoyeon nods. "It's kind of like that. Do you- understand?"

"I think so."

(And she doesn't _really_ understand, but her mother doesn't work as late anymore and smiles wider these days so that's all that matters). 

// 

It's during her geography lesson one afternoon in elementary school that Seoyeon decides she really doesn't like Jinwoo. 

With his cocky smile and know-it-all attitude she feels her blood boil when he begins spouting off about how you can only have a _real_ family if you have a mom _and_ a dad. 

And that's how she finds herself with a set of bruised knuckles trudging behind her angry mother and amused Chaeyoung.

"Would you care to tell us how this happened young lady?" Her mother asked in the tone she knew meant trouble.

"I didn't start it." She grumbled petulantly. 

"Seoyeon." 

"Jinwoo wouldn't stop talking about how a it only counts if you have a mom and a dad." 

"Oh sweetie." Her mother sighed, glancing to Chaeyoung before pulling her by the hand to walk slightly faster. "That isn't true. A family doesn't have to have a mom and a dad. A family can be made up of a lot of different people."

"I know. But, he was saying some other stuff too..."

"Like what?" Chaeyoung asked this time, reaching for her other hand. 

Seoyeon shrugged. "Just, stuff like...how you aren't technically my mom."

This made both adults stop and her mother bend down in front of her. "Hey. Look at me, that- may be true but you're still my daughter and I love you, ok?" 

"I know. I just don't know why he was saying all that stuff." 

"He was just being ignorant." Chaeyoung added. "You shouldn't listen to people like that."

"Ok. Mom?"

"Yeah baby." 

"Does that mean we're a family?" 

"Of course we are."

"So, does that mean I can call Chaeyoung- mom too?"

At this her mother takes in a sharp breath and bites her lip.

"Do you want to? Is that, do you think of me that way Seoyeon?" Chaeyoung kneels down as well now. 

"Well yeah, we're a family."

"Yeah. Yeah we are aren't we." 

(She doesn't understand stand why both Chaeyoung and her mom- her moms- are crying, but she imagines it's happy tears).

//

Chaeyoung moves in two months later and really it doesn't feel that much different. 

It's an easy transition, and she finds herself happy to sit back and fall into the routine- the everyday events that define them as a family.

-

"Goddam-"

"Chaeyoung." Her mother chastised the other from the kitchen.

"Sorry, sorry."

"Just let me help you."

"No, no. I can do this, it's just a stupid couch."

From her corner, Seoyeon stifled a snicker.

In the middle of a pile of parts and papers, Chaeyoung sat muttering to herself and agonizing over the correct way to put things together. 

"I have a freaking six year degree in linguistics and literature I think I can build a couch." 

"Whatever you say." Her mother sighs while rolling her eyes. "I'm going to pick up a gift for Jihyo's party. Want to come Seoyeon?" 

"Yes!" She exclaimed, rushing to grab her shoes. 

"Please don't hurt yourself," Her mom laughs, bending down to give Chaeyoung a quick kiss. 

"I'll be fine, you two go have fun." 

"By mom," Seoyeon smiled wading through the mess to give her other mother a kiss on the cheek. 

"Ah, see you kiddo. Have fun." Chaeyoung smiled.

//

Over the years, she had been witness to many fights. 

But her parents didn't fight with raised voices or thrown objects, rather, they fought though silence and infuriating glances. 

(Really it was more like the two engaged in a passive-aggressive silence treatment until one of them cracked). 

Of course, by the end of the night they would usually have talked it over and made up, but sometimes it took them longer to get back to normal.

Regardless of that though, Seoyeon noticed that they would always go to bed together. 

No matter how mad they were at each other, they would always follow their nightly routine. 

-

"I don't get it." She voiced during a particularly trying fight her parents were having over god knows what. 

"Don't get what?" Mina asked, turning the tv off and furrowing her brow?

"How you two can just go about your business like it's just a normal night." 

She was in high school now, and a lot of her acquaintances had began relationships of their own. 

(And being witness to such relationships, she understood that fights could make or break a couple, no matter how small the issue was).

"I guess we just understand that in the end it does really matter." Her mother speaks after thinking for a bit. "It's never good to go to bed angry and stew- that's why communication is key in a relationship."

"But I never see you guys talk about stuff." 

"Oh we do, eventually. Sometimes it's hard, but it works out." 

"Really?" 

"Of course." Mina smiled, leaning over to press a kiss to her head. "It always does." 

//

Her parents never get married. 

At first she thought that it was odd- if people were in love didn't they usually get married? 

(This, she later finds is a loaded question that she doesn't think she'll ever know the entire truth about). 

(What she does know is that both her mothers wear necklaces with rings that are probably significant enough symbols of commitment). 

-

It's late on a Friday night when she runs into a conversation she probably shouldn't have. 

Hiding behind the wall, she leans and ear further into the hall and watches the light from the tv morph into mangled shadows. 

"I think I know the answer already." She heard Chaeyoung whisper to her mother.

"I know. I'm sorry." 

"No, it's alright. I'm not trying to push you or anything, I just, I want you to at least have it. You don't have to wear it or anything, just, it would mean a lot to me if you kept it."

"It's not you, it's all me. Really. I just- I don't want- I'm scared of feeling, trapped. Not that I ever would with you, I know you aren't like that, it's just me. Just, my own insecurities." 

"It's alright, I understand. We never have to, you know. If that's what you want. I love you either way, I don't need a paper to make that true."

"I know. I love you too." 

//

She never liked the rain. 

It meant dreary days, cold and damp weather, and it often had the capacity to ruin rather than mend. 

Her parents claim it was calming, but she couldn't quite agree. 

(But she finds that it rains on the day she's finally able to take on her mother's maiden name, that it rains on the day her mother receives an thick letter from her lawyer that obviously holds good news- that it rains on the day she graduates from schools and on the day she gets accepted to the university of her choice). 

(It rains, it rains, it rains- and she thinks that she doesn't really mind it after all). 

//

If you had asked Seoyeon who she aspired to be, she would always say her moms, plural. 

And while some people wouldn’t understand her answer because, “y _ou have to favor one over the other at least a little, right_?”, she knew that wasn’t true. 

Sure, there were some things she admired more about the other, but on the whole, she supposes, it’s the way they interact with each other that she really admires. 

She admired how respectful they were of one and other, how their house always was a sanctuary and never _just_ a house. 

She admired how loving her mothers had been to her, and even when one “slacked”, the other was always willing and eager to let theirs overflow and fill her up. 

She was _always_ loved and she knew it. 

So no, she wouldn’t say she admired one parent over the other because she understood that both of her parents admired _her_ equally. 

Because both of them loved her with all their being. 

(Because she loved _them_ both just as much). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I just wanted to thank you all so much for the comments, the kudos and reading this story, you guys are all so amazing! As always, I hope you enjoyed and thanks again for sticking with me :)


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